How i met your mother - scene 1

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HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
Pilot
by
Carter Bays
&
Craig Thomas
Writers' 2nd Draft
1-28-05
ACT ONE *
*
INT. 2029 LIVING ROOM - EVENING *
(NARRATOR, DAUGHTER, SON) *
A WARM LOOKING COUCH IN A FAMILY ROOM, IN SOME SUBURBAN HOME. *
A FIRE CRACKLES IN THE FIREPLACE. TWO TEENAGERS -- A 14-YEAR *
OLD SON AND A 16-YEAR OLD DAUGHTER -- SIT ON THE COUCH. THEY *
LOOK AT THE CAMERA, AND LISTEN TOTHE NARRATOR. *
*
NARRATOR (O.S.) *
*
Okay. You guys are old enough. I’m *
gonna tell you the story of how I met *
your mother. *
DAUGHTER *
*
Heard it. *
SON *
You told us already. *
NARRATOR (O.S.) *
Sure, you’ve heard the short version. *
But there’s a bigger story, and it’s *
important for you to hear it. *
SON *
*
Are we being punished for something? *
NARRATOR (O.S.) *
No.*
DAUGHTER *
*
Is this gonna take awhile? *
NARRATOR (O.S.) *
Yes. Once upon a time, before I was *
“Dad,” I had this whole other life. *
*
2.
It was way back in 2005. I was single, *
I had a full head of hair, my career *
as an architect was taking off, and I *
lived in New York City with Marshall, *
my best friend from college. Life was *
good, until one brisk October night, *when Uncle Marshall screwed the whole *
thing up. *

INT. TED AND MARSHALL’S APARTMENT - NIGHT *
(MARSHALL, TED, NARRATOR) *
A 20-SOMETHING BACHELOR APARTMENT THAT, TONIGHT, HAS BEEN *
SPRUCED UP A BIT. MARSHALL, ON BENDED KNEE, NERVOUSLY *
PRESENTS TED WITH A DIAMOND RING. *
MARSHALL *
Will you marry me? *
TED *
Perfect! And then she says yes, you’re *
engaged, you pop the champagne,drink *
a toast, have sex on the kitchen *
floor. (BEAT, THINKS) Don’t have sex *
on our kitchen floor. *
MARSHALL *
Got it. Geez, I’m so nervous. My *
stomach’s going crazy. *
3.
(MORE)
TED *
It’s not cancer. *
MARSHALL *
Who said cancer? *
TED *
You were about to. *
MARSHALL *
It could be cancer! I’ve got all these *
symptoms, I’ve been peeing like crazy, *
my mouth is dry, she’sgonna say no! *
TED *
All right, c’mere, bring it in. *
TED GIVES HIM A HUG. *
MARSHALL *
Thanks for helping me plan this out, *
Ted. *
TED *
Dude, it’s you and Lily! I’ve been *
there for all the big moments of you *
and Lily. The night you met, your *
first date...other first things. *
MARSHALL *
I’m sorry. We thought you were asleep. *
TED *
It’s physics, Marshall. If the bottom*
bunk moves, the top bunk moves too. *
4.
TED(CONT'D)
But that was nine years ago, the *
nightmares have almost stopped. (BEAT) *
And you’re getting engaged. Tonight. *
MARSHALL *
Yeah. What are you doing tonight? *
TED THINKS. FREEZE FRAME. *
NARRATOR *
What was I doing? Here Uncle Marshall *
was taking the biggest step of his *
life, and me? I’m calling up this guy. *
CUT TO: *INT. BARNEY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT *
(BARNEY, NARRATOR, TED) *
SPLIT-SCREEN BETWEEN TED AND BARNEY (32, DEVILISH, LIVES ON *
STEAKS AND CIGARS). BARNEY’S CELL PHONE RINGS. HE SEES WHO IT *
IS, AND ANSWERS. *
BARNEY *
Hey, so you know how I’ve always had a *
thing for half-Asian girls? *
FREEZE FRAME ON BARNEY. *
NARRATOR (V.O.) *
Your Uncle Barney. *
UNFREEZE. *
BARNEY *
Well, I have anew favorite: Lebanese *
girls. Lebanese girls are the new half- *
Asians. *
5.
TED *
I don’t even know what a Lebanese girl *
looks like. *
BARNEY *
Trust me. They’re Leba-licious. *
TED *
Listen, Marshall’s getting engaged *
here tonight. You wanna-- *
BARNEY *
(SNAPPING INTO ACTION) Meet me at the *
bar in fifteen. And suit up! *
TED *
No, no “suit up.” *
BARNEY *
Suit up orI’m not coming. *
TED *
(BEAT) Fine, I’ll suit up. *
INT. BAR - NIGHT *
(BARNEY, TED, YASMIN, NARRATOR) *
A NON-TRENDY CLASSIC NEW YORK NEIGHBORHOOD BAR, CURRENTLY *
* POPULATED BY A SMALL WEDNESDAY-AFTER-WORK CROWD. TED APPEARS **
IN A LONG SLEEVE T-SHIRT AND CASUAL SLACKS. BARNEY GLARES.
BARNEY *
BARNEY *
Oh, I see. Marshall gets engaged, and * Where’s your suit? We said suit up! I *...
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